When you realize your younger self couldn't be more proud of you. But everything you have ever done is either wrong or don't mean all that much because a simple POV in one subject will literally turn your life apart and upside down.
You have experienced a new darker passenger that you have never imagined before. What before was just boredom and lack of direction, now is a beaten path with three outcomes: death, suffering, and hopeless hope. And by far, it is the worst feeling experienced.
Even though everything looks like a dream, your surroundings are your worst nightmare. All you can see and touch, all that you worked to achieve shouldn't even be here, because you shouldn't be here in the first place. But now that you are here you need to leave because you shouldn't be here in the first place. Even the custom keyboard you are typing on. You shouldn't even have a mechanical keyboard in the first place.
Sleeping aid is useless. 20 years later and I'm back at it. Same thoughts, different aspects, a hole that is deeper and darker than anything you could ever imagine. You are not ruining just your life now, you are running the life of all around you. Sleepless, dumbness, reactionless. With the weight of two or three human beings on your shoulder, a generation that could get screwed depending on who will lose the fight on who is more selfish.
If I am like that and if my kids get more of they gray matter side of the genes, they will probably end up even worse due to the disorder they will face. I just hope that girls cope better than boys.
